


exclusivity & priority

by didthattwinkjustcommittreason



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Merlin 6: Kingdom Come, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 05, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/didthattwinkjustcommittreason/pseuds/didthattwinkjustcommittreason
Summary: After Merlin rejects her, Morgana demands to know why he always puts Arthur first.Based on events in the "semi-canon"? script for season 6 - Merlin: Kingdom Come, but applicable/can be read without prior knowledge.
Relationships: Merlin & Morgana (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Morgana (one-sided)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	exclusivity & priority

**Author's Note:**

> tw for writing: internalized homophobia, implied suicide attempt
> 
> merlin spoilers in both beginning and end notes !
> 
> i finished the series for the first time on friday, devastated. i knew how it ended - i spoiled the ending for myself before i even started watching the show - but i still hadn't seen how arthur reacted to his magic, or watched the final moments, and God, was it upsetting.
> 
> yesterday i decided to read that pesky s6 script on tumblr and stayed up until 8am this morning to finish it in one go. there was a lot of stuff i liked, and then some that i did not.
> 
> tw for background info: suicide attempt, referenced rape
> 
> if you haven't read it, what i have written only spoils minor incidents (and you might not even notice unless you read the context i'm gonna give) because as you can guess, this conversation is my own doing. the background of course is full of spoilers
> 
> if you are interested, i am including context for S6 in brackets below.  
> [[ things you should know about “s6 merlin: kingdom come” to better understand this jumbo i have written:  
> -merlin has in fact waited 1500 years for arthur’s return and consequently suffers from OCD (he would obsessively clean the castle and arthur’s armor and developed strict habitual behavior) and recurrent, guilt induced nightmares about poisoning morgana and arthur’s death  
> -not to mention he has extreme separation anxiety when it comes to arthur  
> -arthur has been helping merlin to conquer these nightmares  
> -the entire cast has returned with arthur, though scattered about london and with at first lost but fairly recoverable memories (for major plot reasons that i don’t intend to get into)  
> -leading up to this scene, it was revealed that morgana has a son, galahad, whom she cares for deeply, but that his birth is a result of her being magically seduced (raped) by accolon. she herself was not aware of this until after her 10 year old son “gally” took a sword for arthur and died  
> -already devastated by her son’s death, accolon intends to drive morgana to the edge and with bitter words convinces her she is alone and unwanted. she intends to take her life with hemlock  
> -merlin has to choose between saving arthur or morgana  
> -he decides arthur can take care of himself and ends up stopping morgan from committing suicide  
> additionally:  
> -there is a rift between gwen and arthur; after arthur’s death, gwen married leon. in separate occasions, first arthur then gwen tell each other that they are no longer married: “until death do us part” ]]
> 
> obvious disclaimer: i have no rights to merlin the series, nor the script i am referencing

_I have no doubt that you will choose Arthur. You_ always _choose Arthur. And that’s your problem: your love is exclusive. There’s no room for anyone else._ — Mordred, Episode XI of “Merlin: Kingdom Come”

* * *

Gradually, Morgana’s sobs subside and the last hot tears spill down Merlin’s chest where he cradles her head against his shoulder. 

He thinks, grimly, how the last time this woman was in his arms, it was because he had poisoned her. But slowly, gently, that 1500 year-old guilt starts to dissipate as he realizes that this time, he has _prevented_ the poisoning. Relief washes over him in a wave and he hugs the sorceress tighter, thinking how far they have come, two broken magic users, no longer alone.

Morgana must feel the tightening of the embrace because she pulls back, eyes red and searching. Merlin returns her stare, trying to reassure her with his eyes that this time, he will be there for his friend. He will no longer push her away as if she is a danger. They can help each other, build one another up.

She seems to understand the silent promise, and the edges of her lips turn up. She starts to lean forward and Merlin thinks they will comfortingly knock heads together when suddenly she is kissing him.

Merlin’s heart speeds up - with panic, anxiety. His arms fly away from her as he pulls back, gasping. She recoils from him, and he sees all the peace and acceptance that had just settled in her eyes blown away by Merlin’s tumultuous winds of rejection. Her gaze begins to harden again, a guarded, hurt look, too broken to be angry for the moment. No, no, no —

She pushes out of his lap, stumbling to her feet, and Merlin follows, a different, but not exactly new, guilt crashing back down on his shoulders. “Morgana, wait! I’m sorry-”

“You said you wanted me!” Morgana accuses, the words sounding as if they were physically torn out of her throat.

He does. He wants her alive. He wants her here, reunited and reconciled with everyone. He wants her as an ally, a close friend. But he doesn’t- he hasn’t felt like _that_ for her, ever.

“Please,” he tries to get her to understand, “I will always care for you, Morgana. But I just- I can’t-” Can’t look her in the eyes, for one.

Something seems to dawn on her. “You’re a coward, Merlin,” she tells him coldly, unconvinced. “This is about Arthur, isn’t it?”

He pales.

“You say by coming here, you put me first. But you haven’t; not really. Not only is he your biggest priority, but he is the only one you have the capacity to care for.”

Her words echo Mordred’s: _Your love is exclusive._

“That’s not true,” he says feebly.

“I bet you wish you were with him now,” she bites out. “You wish you went to him instead.”

“No,” he says immediately, firmly. “You’re wrong, Morgana. You are my priority right now.” She blinks, surprised by his sudden resolve, and he goes on. “You needed me more, and I came to you. There are many people that I love, that I want to help.” He hesitates, thinking of his treatment of Leon after he became king, of his schemes to let Mordred die, of the people he’s been willing to sacrifice for Arthur. “I’ve done a piss poor job showing it. But there is room in my heart for all my friends.” He tries to smile at her.

For a moment, he thinks she will accept this. Then, her face wavers between anger and outright anguish. “If we both needed you,” she began. “If there was no other way. If it was me or Arthur. You would choose him.”

Merlin opens his mouth to deny it, but after he holds eye contact with her for several long seconds, he drops his gaze and says nothing.

“Why?” she demands, voice akin to a whisper. “I didn’t even realize it until now but - I could _love_ you, Merlin,” Morgana admits. “Give you everything. And yet _you_ continue to give everything, risk everything, for _him_ .” She’s incredulous now, voice rising. “Why?” she asks again. “All your loyalty and dedication to what? A _master_?!”

Merlin’s trembling now, ashamed. He thinks of launching into one of his _I was born to serve Arthur_ speeches. They tend to work as an explanation. But before he can speak, Morgana has one last thing to say. 

“What’s greater than love, Merlin?” She sounds a bit desperate now, pained. “What is it, between you and Arthur?”

He still can’t look at her, but it makes no difference since he can’t see past his tears. “Nothing’s greater than love,” he says hoarsely.

They’re both silent for a moment. “Then. . .?”

Merlin finally looks up at her face, blinking away the tears. “Morgana,” he says miserably, waiting for her to understand.

But she doesn’t. Her eyes are searching him again, not hopeful like before, just puzzled, as though she is trying to finally figure out the warlock after all these centuries.

He can almost feel his heart quivering in his chest. When his next words come out, it feels like it finally bursts.

Swallowing shakily, he closes his eyes, voice growing impossibly quiet. “I’m in love with him.”

As soon as they are finally released - admitted aloud for the first time, overdue by some 1500 years - he reduces to sobs.

Claws of disgust and fear and shame clasp around his throat, making it hard to breathe. In these times, he knows, it isn’t as rare, might even be acceptable, but he can’t imagine all his friends from Camelot understanding, though his feelings had developed long before Arthur was even king. The thought of any of them knowing, including Morgana, terrifies him. What does she think of him now? He can’t look. Of course he can’t. She’s right. He’s a coward.

He thinks of how close he and Arthur are at last. How Arthur treats him like an equal. How he worked with Merlin’s nightmares. How he promises Merlin that he will come back alive, despite the fact Merlin knows his mother-henning annoys Arthur. How he allows the hugs he used to reject, even initiates them on occasion.

And then he thinks about Arthur finding out the true source of his dedication.

Arthur could never look at another man like that. He’s a married man, a king with a queen. He’d be disgusted to discover his best friend’s been pining after him for years. What other response could there be once figuring it out: that Merlin had chosen to wait his 1500 year sentence alive and struggling, _suffering_ , in preparation for his return because he was so, so hopelessly in love.

“Merlin?” Morgana’s voice draws him out of his head, and he realizes he’s sunk back to the ground, knees tucked to his chest, head in his hands.

“Of course you would put him first,” she says quietly, evidently understanding now.

“You can’t tell anyone, Morgana,” he pleads. “Please. I can’t bear the thought.”

A hand reaches down to his shoulder. “I won’t. Merlin, I’m sorry.”

Another sob wracks his body, but he partially controls it, and it is silent. He takes a shaky breath. “I am meant to be comforting you.”

He glances up in time to catch her shrugging. His brows furrow. “Do you-” he swallows, unsure how to phrase his question. “D’you think it’s awful?” 

Her forehead creases, too. “What?” Then, “No, Merlin. There’s nothing wrong about it.” She shakes her head, smiling faintly. “I’m rather embarrassed it never crossed my mind.”

The warlock is so grateful for acceptance that his eyes tear up again. He reaches blindly for her hand and upon finding it, squeezes tightly. She rubs a thumb over his knuckles.

At last, respect and comprehension have passed between the mortal enemies. Merlin hopes that now they will always be friends at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, as always !
> 
> more "s6" spoilers ahead, this is just going to be a rant, so obviously feel no obligation to read it. . . (but if you have read s6 please someone discuss this with me !! lmao)
> 
> i love, love, love the portrayal of merlin's distress. the scene of him reuniting with arthur was beautiful and i would recommend it to anyone. i loved the behavior change/growth with arthur where he finally starts treating merlin right. and i love that morgana finally got her arc. the heartbreak with merlin's apprentice was delicious and i could totally see that betrayal happening. there was a lot of good content, an intriguing plot, and straight up effort put into the script.
> 
> that being said, there are some things i did not love - and it all comes down to my personal bias, of course. it seemed like the queerbaiting only continued - as arthur and merlin got closer, the script led me to believe they might have a possibility to end up together, which is why i spent my entire evening straining to read the tiny courier-script letters on my phone. there were certainly signs of the merlin / morgana going on, but then the divide between arthur and gwen was a cruel false hope - something i'd been waiting for, imagined myself. i understood his detachment to gwen as motivated primarily out of respect for her life built with leon (and then her sudden love interest switch to lancelot was a bit head turning the way it was thrown in at the end?? imo. since their love story was so far in the past and there was little to no development going on. ) but i also thought it could be due to his strengthening relationship with merlin.
> 
> the way merlin behaves in the canon series is enough for me to believe he's smitten for arthur. the way they portray his heartwrenching breakdowns and dedication and dependence on arthur in the s6 script - that just screamed "i am in love with this man" to me. but to each their own i suppose. in any case, i was crying by the time birds were chirping outside my window.
> 
> thoughts???


End file.
